Inspiration, Dreams & Ash

Passion in a Vial

mhwilleke@gmail.com (Marian) — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 17:02:00 +0000

I'll take it. It may not be the old passion that I once felt, but to be able to use a little of my blood to produce the desired emotional effect is wonderful. I actually reduced myself to tears playing Schumann last night. It's disturbingly less work, as all I need is blood magick to manipulate the emotional responses, but it's equally nice to not have to put in all the spirit and personal emotion into the piece only to hope leaving an emotional response.

This all started with a certain possibility to increase our political chip pile with Prince Maxwell. This fellow out west has successfully eluded two coteries, a Gangrel coterie named the BrewHa and some Invictus Knights. Talk about opposite. Nobody knew why Mr. Rathbone was being pursued, but the tranquility was undoubtedly going to be ignored by these two very aggressive coteries, and Prince Maxwell needed somebody to find this guy. Ethan found out about a possible blood magick ritual that would help locate us, but every new knowledge comes with a price. This particular price was a bit steep, but in retrospect, well worth it.

Rowen knew the ritual, and was willing to teach Ethan if she could learn a Coil of the Dragon. When Ethan approached me I was taken aback. Firstly, that he would trust me to not risk both our situations if either Covenant found out, and secondly, that he would think having this ritual knowlege was worth risking both our situations. I found myself questioning my loyalties, and then wondered why they were considered loyalties to secretly hide away knowledge. I understand not wanting to share certain knowledges before being published or accredited, but eventually you want everybody to know. Not so with this world, although I can see the danger of Kindred having access to all the knowledge floating about.

Regardless, it was an interesting proposition, and quite frankly, a good opportunity for everybody involved. I discovered another juxtoposition - my years of training had led me to be so easily interested in the Ordo, but my instincts found the blood magick so much more intuitive and interesting. Not everything has to be done a certain way. Knowledge can come in all sorts of ways, just as different learning styles are more effective with certain approaches.

Despite my misgivings about teaching the woman that was so incredibly rude and insulting mere months ago, I found her to be a respectful and avid pupil. She later asked what I wanted to learn through the blood magick and I found myself at a loss. The options seemed endless, until I instantly hit on exactly what I wanted. Passion. I had lost it all. My concerts were robotic and depressive.

One painful and horrifying ritual later, I emptied some of my blood onto the piano keys in the quiet and empty concert hall, with tremendous results.

A New Life

mhwilleke@gmail.com (Marian) — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 13:46:00 +0000

It's like being born, only you have a lot of previous experiences and knowledge. Sounds good right? Not always. I'm discovering that respect for those previous experiences and knowlege only count in this new life if it applies to the current problems. It's pretty obvious that Hank's skills in life still serve him well within the coterie, but not many in the coterie benefit from my skills. They might eventually, but let's just say those skills are not yet realised by them. So here's some things to consider.

Do I care what they think of me? Less and less.
Do I care for them? Yes.
Do I want to be a mothering sort of morality check? No.
Do I want their respect? Yes.
Do I want status among our fellow Kindred? Yes.
Is status with fellow Kindred more important than my coterie's opinion of me? Plead the 5th.

These thoughts have been flickering in my mind for some time now, but a conversation with Ethan really pointed something important out to me. I really am starting over. My professional station and respect in previous times no longer exists, and it's up to me to move forward and create a new life. New station. New status. New respect.

Peace

mhwilleke@gmail.com (Marian) — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 16:55:00 +0000

So much has been happening recently, but everything has been leading up to a conclusion. That conclusion is that violence seems to reign supreme - something of which I feel uncomfortable and frustrated.

I am chasing my dragon's tail, but let me specify the anguish it took to do the deed. Killing a mortal is something that should never become easy, and actually doing it while looking into their eyes was something that I will never forget. After experiencing my own induced violence, I don't understand the others that seem to so easily discuss if one lives or dies.

I used to feel responsible for the other's morality, but now, after my own purposeful killing, I realise that my first responsibility is to ensure my OWN morality stays intact. Despite the fact that my victim was destroying his family, I know that it wasn't necessarily my right to pass judgement and end his life, pathetic as it appeared.

As a result, I have focused heavily on leashing the endless anger that is within me: The Beast. He has already overcome my will once, but fortunately was unable to inflict anything on anybody since Gabe mercifully dominated me. I say dominate in the most professional of senses. He may be an overwhelming know-it-all and egoist, but his skills with mind control are very valuable. Anyway, I knew that I had to somehow control this Thing, and through the help of Rachel and Darius, I believe that I have obtained a new level of peace and strength.

The ritual was fascinating. I wanted spirits to be involved because all of my influences of the supernatural during my mortal years were by spirits. Through pan flute music and the spirits of serenity, I managed to reach a meditative level of complete emptiness. Up to that point, the Beast was staring at me, with his huge ugly yellow eyes. After emptying my mind through the ritual, I opened my eyes to blessedly find those horrid yellow eyes gone. I had won.

Personal Loss

mhwilleke@gmail.com (Marian) — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 13:47:00 +0000

Something is terribly wrong. I recently performed at the Chicago Symphony to a thrilled and highly responsive audience. Wouldn't that make me happy? Of course, I was thrilled for such a strong positive reaction. The problem was that the performance wasn't that good. I can feel my own work, my own passion coming out, my own performance, and judge it for myself. It was average at best. Initially, my reaction was that perhaps the crowd was complimenting the symphony because they did do a fine job as well, but it was clearly directed at me as my return to bow produced a standing ovation. I am extremely bothered by my own performance, and feel a sense of loss. Something that I always clung to was my music. I am anxious to go to the B.L.U.E.S. and see if I am simply out of practice classically, or losing my touch in every musical respect.

To make matters exceptionally worse, I provided box seats for several friends, so obviously the performance was to be spectacular. Not only was it not spectacular, but they were extremely impressed. It makes me grit my teeth in frustration that they may think that performance was excellent. I must focus more on my music, and not get so overly distracted as I have in these recent days. Music is something that I can have forever, and I will not let that be lost to me.

Morality and Reality

mhwilleke@gmail.com (Marian) — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 18:51:00 +0000

Existence in this world definitely seems to have it's own definition of morality. Feeding, for one, requires a certain skewing of morality as we do have to treat mortals as cattle. However, with certain cares, you can still perform even this required task with certain level of respect for both the mortal and yourself. Frenzying is another problem for a Kindred. An utter loss of control as the Beast within rages - after an episode like that, I can only imagine the emotions that would follow, depending on how much the person cared about others originally.

I'm learning that there is a large chasm between morality and reality in this existence, but what upsets me is that people seem to give up any hope of resolving that chasm. It angers me that I am assumed to be innocent of pain and loss simply because I cling to morals and choose to make them fit within my new reality. While only one of our coterie has said anything about it, I sense the attempts to pander to my emotional needs, at least according to their perception of my emotional needs. Others have given me full respect; actually more respect than when I was mortal, which I appreciate. Right now I sense that Hank and Ethan's "concern" for me seems to be a justification for their hardening hearts.

Ethan's cruel outburst at me is forgiveable given the tense circumstances, but he's yet to apologise, so I assume he's drawing line's between us. Hank, however, seems to enjoy walking a fine line of trying to make everybody happy. I have no idea what Gabe thinks, which Liz and GT seem to be their same supportive selves. Me? I just would like for my friends to not lose themselves to this harsh new world. It's going to take far more strength to do the right thing than it ever was as a mortal.

From the Frying Pan to the Fire

mhwilleke@gmail.com (Marian) — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 17:08:00 +0000

Although I feel less guilty about being involved with a murder of our own kind, especially one that has been proven complicate with ritualistic murders of humans, I can't help but feel that I'm on a terribly slippery slope where I can't get my footing.

Reeling from the horror of the zombie episode brought on by our coterie, we immediately leaped to GT's assistance to help him with a problem he's been having with the Tigre's. He believed to have discovered the haven of a vampire that was supporting the Tigre's and their terrible sacrificial actions, so off we went to save the day.

Yes, save the day.

What I mean, of course, is to kill another kindred.

It was difficult enough to see the gang members in such a bloodthirsty war. I was glad to be on the winning side, but I was miserable watching the Tigre's drop. I desperately tried to remember how the Tigre's tried to kill GT the other day, and the murders of innocent humans, but this didn't seem the way to handle it.

I will not pretend to be innocent; I planted the smoke bomb. I followed instructions. Since I did not want any part of the shooting, I took a baseball bat to the vampire, but when it was not working, I let fear for my comrades control me and took part of the shooting.

To make matters worse, once we ran up the flag of victory, we literally looted the place! I don't mean just taking the necessary items to study the rituals they were performing, but we took everything of value that we could carry. I was against taking so much, but I had little room to argue since I snitched a beautiful Aztec bracelet for my own collection.

Many nights of guilt are coming, I know.

Difficult Lessons Learned

mhwilleke@gmail.com (Marian) — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 13:48:00 +0000

I have finally managed to calm down enough in order to try and record the difficult experiences our coterie had over these past few weeks.

As I was trying to write previously, we learned a difficult lesson at the cost of many lives that are on our conscience now. It's actually very ironic; we were all rather critical of the professors at the University for trying to figure out what was going on with the book by going ahead and doing the "spell" that released a spirit Wound named the Beast of Blood and Shadow. This all according to our new lupine friends that have such a special gift working with the spirit world, but it definitely sounds accurate based on the Wound's actions. Anyway, there was some definite criticism of their little scientific experiment.

So what do we do? We have our little scientific experiment with the Chalice of Etrius. No lessons learned, several different actions were taken to try and activate this Chalice. The Chalice was a valuable artifact that the Tigris originally stole, then we found in "The Marketplace". We know that Belieul's Brood, the worst of the Vampires with no sense of responsibility towards life, want the Chalice very badly. I'm sure they could have used it with worse effects, but we were pretty damaging ourselves. The activation was definitely discovered; as we found out in detail the next morning.

A terrible motorcar accident occurred at Bell's front gate (we were all staying with him to study and work with the Chalice). To our horror, we saw that the deceased victims were literally some sort of zombie, seeking to only destroy the paramedics and officers. Hank, GT, and Ethan's attempts to stop them were difficult. Bullets from Hank went straight through the zombie's (I don't have any other name for such a creature); bones shattered from GT, but they continued onward; finally, Ethan decapitated one with his rapier. Would you believe that the head literally was still "active"? An arm was removed, and it acted on it's own without the body. It was gruesome and worse than any movie's special effects, possibly because I knew it was real.

After this terrible scene was over and cleaned, Ethan took a peek into that Shadow he's so good at doing. The Chalice, it seems, has terrible red tendrils that are effecting corpses in the manner that I described. Worse, the tendrils are growing, reaching out farther and farther. After some intense research, we discovered three important facts: 1) the tendrils are growing at an exponential rate, soon to hit a hospital morgue and several cemetaries, 2) there is no known way to de-activate the Chalice, and 3) it seems that only time is on our side, as it de-activates after a certain period of time. The problem being of course that we don't know how long.

I suggested that we get the Chalice away from civilization as soon as possible. Over a period of discussion, Mackinac Island was the considered the best and closest option since it does not have any hospitals and the graveyard is at least 200 years old from long past wars.

Many logistical hoops later, we find ourselves with a rented Haven at Mackinac Island, with us socialites spending as much time as possible in the bar at the Grand Hotel. It was there that I nearly dropped my martini as I saw the newsflash from St. Ignace of "strange zombie costumed people attached a local neighborhood party along the coast." I could only assume the worst, and the growth rate of tendrils were underestimated.

We then had a horrible decision to make. So far, we were suspecting that the Chalice would deactivate the next day, as it was the seven day of activation and there's a lot of occult suspense around the magical number seven. Also, anything more than days seemed overkill, and would probably cover at least this side of the hemisphere. Do we wait until the next day? Or do we let the death tolls rise as the tendrils effect larger and larger areas, now reaching into the mainlaind of Upper Michigan and Lower Michigan? Our only choice, other than to wait it out, was to destroy it. I was all for destruction to end the deaths of innocent lives, but Ethan stuck to his desire to wait. It was in that moment I realised that we were about to make our second huge mistake and destroy the only possibility we have to de-activate these tendrils.

Something else that was nagging at us was the potential impact of this Chalice. The more we researched the history, the more we realised that this Chalice was built to literally raise the dead, or to return life to a Vampire. That is not something we should consider destroying lightly. The problem that we're seeing is that it seems to call for some sort of flesh sacrifice, which of course is not acceptable in my book. Regardless, I believe that it is our responsibility to balance the effects of what we did with the future possibilities it holds for Kindred.

It was horrible to realise that our decision would cost more lives, but I now know how Generals on the battlefield feels when he sends the soldiers into death for larger stakes. The only major difference of course is that these victims are not soldiers that agreed to do this. They are just innocent people enjoying a party. Ethan was correct, and thankfully, we did not make the next largest mistake ever by destroying the Chalice, as it did de-activate the next day.

Perhaps we're just now learning the impact of our impulsive decisions, and will hopefully realise the much larger impact we make on individuals around us based on our decisions. In our quest to understand and learn, we have to play by the safety rulebook even more strongly now, as the mistakes we make deal with supernatural abilities even beyond our capabilities, leaving human lives completely dependant on our prudence.

Technology Fails Me

mhwilleke@gmail.com (Marian) — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 00:39:00 +0000

I hate this fucking computer. I spent 45 minutes writing an emotional journal, then when I went to publish it, the content disappeared. I hope Ethan can fix this stupid worthless machine. I had the idea that an encrypted online journal would help me maintain my memories as I get older and potential torpor. Perhaps I should break down and take some computer lessons.

I'll talk to Ethan and try writing up my journal later. I'm too upset to try again right now.

Paths of Fate

mhwilleke@gmail.com (Marian) — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 15:57:00 +0000

I recently took a test with the Ordo Dracul called The Paths of Fate. I didn't initially think it would be a big deal, but as it approached, and I went through the rather frustrating lose-lose questions, I was completely drained towards the end. I was also very unhappy to have a Tarot card determine my "fate" within Ordo, but I was stuck. I was surprised that both the courses of Light and Darkness fit my personality prett closely, which makes me put a wee bit more stock into the Tarot card determining that I fulfill The Last Judgement (image on the left).

Albert, my test administrator, said that my "judgement will see you through as it always has, but you must be careful not to lay your judgement over others completely. It is your greatest strength, but at the same time, it blinds you at times to truths you dislike."

I have to say that while that pronouncement made me pause for thought at the time, I quickly forgot about it. It came rushing back as something that I need to take more seriously when I overran Hank's judgement that his "special" icewine would be a good presentation to the honoured guests at the party that I hosted. I was so worried about my reputation and how the others would take literal "blood-wine" that I dismissed Hank's idea, and almost asked him to not bring it at all. I'm so relieved that I didn't stop him from bringing it because it was actually somewhat popular. I definitely didn't notice any outright rejection of it, and noticed a few fall in love with it.

This example of my deciding against Hank's judgement is minor, but it is concerning to me that I was so quick to do it. It's definitely a red flag for me to keep my own opinions in balance with others....especially others that I trust.

Maintaining Friendships

mhwilleke@gmail.com (Marian) — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 15:11:00 +0000

Despite our change within us, I believe that our friendships become even more important in this new society. Yes, you still have to keep your eyes open because we can do things that our Beast forces us to do, such as Dr. Szardos, but we need each other. I was initially a little offended by Liz's obvious excuses to not let me have access to her ghoul for simple research, but later she expressed distrust of Hank. Even if he is developing his own agenda, I do not believe it would be to destroy us. I mean, I have side-agenda's from our coterie as well, but none of them detrimental to the others. I tried to talk to Liz, but she said trusting others, even our friends, would "bite me in the butt." My response was that it's better than living in fear and alone, essentially being paranoid...look at fellow paranoid Vampires. I hope she will learn to trust at least Hank and myself a little bit more. I don't want our inward Nature to destroy our friendships.

Positive Influences

mhwilleke@gmail.com (Marian) — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 14:53:00 +0000

Voltaire once said, "Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats." That quote perfectly sums up my current state. My life, or curse, is quite the shipwreck, but I'm learning the value of singing in what little lifeboat, or positive influence, I have. Vampirism and positive influence did not seem to go hand-in-glove, thus my excuse for not thinking of this before. In fact, it was GT, the street guy, that brought this to my attention. He has "dealings" with gangs, and he suggested that Hank and I use our powers of persuasion and influence to convince the Tigres to abandon their violent behaviour, or at least curb it. I realise that both Hank and I command attention and are often heard from just about anybody, but I was ashamed that I did not previously consider using at least my influence for positive community service.

One thing about the street, a certain number of lies are necessary. GT and I managed to lie our way into finding out a Tigres flat, then Hank and I followed up with a personal visit. This is one visit in which I was personally grateful I couldn't smell. Our visit, however, was extremely successful. We presented ourselves as an outreach for the betterment of the community. GT wants to use this for political gang purposes, but for whatever motive, it's still a positive influence opportunity with which I'm going to grab and run. I'm excited about continuing this effort.

Hank and I are very excited too because we realised that tag teaming makes people listen and appreciate us even more. We plan to practice tag teaming more often, including at my upcoming party that I'm throwing with Darius' help.

Postive Alliances

mhwilleke@gmail.com (Marian) — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 13:52:00 +0000

I have quickly realised that not only are there other supernatural types, but all the different groups have skills and abilities that surpass the others. It's like watching Xmen, only in groups! I'm still working out the advantages of vampirism, but it's more than likely I'm biased due to negatives overwhelming me right now. I will say, it's improving a lot though - I just can't get past the grotesque "feeding". The specific "other" group we encountered were called Werewolves. It was rumoured that they were trying to claim the B.L.U.E.S. territory, which was ours. (I'm really not liking how we've degenerated into staking territory like feral cats, but I'm learning it's part of the programme.) We decided to meet them at the B.L.U.E.S. and try to peaceably agree to "share" the area, ie, don't rip our throats out if we walk into the bar.

My impression of Werewolves were that they were zealot killers and raged around destroying life. After all, one had killed GT before he was embraced, and the vampiric society seemed to think that running from them was the only survival option. Despite the tenseness of our meeting, I think we were all pleasantly surprised with how agreeable we actually were, including the Werewolves. Hank and I headed up the talking, since our ability to negotiate and "impress" had vastly increased with our new abilities, and I played to light up the place and put everybody in a good mood. I managed to let myself go again, and felt the ghost's presence I had felt earlier when the unseen power had released into the bar. One of the drunks who could not normally sing, sang like a pro. It was almost like it wasn't even him, but his body was being used. We later learned that these were spirits, and the bar was a door between the spirit world and our world. This area of expertise seemed to fall strongly in the Werewolf knowledge, so I trusted them in the fact that they were gravely concerned that they could simply whoosh in and out of the two worlds. They explained that while the music spirit was nice and all, not all spirits are that friendly.

This brought up an interesting point...the University problems. They were greatly interested and shocked that it had not hit their radar, so we all went over to give them the grand tour of all the weird activities (Liz decided to stay at the bar...she had understandably resolved to never step foot on the campus again). To make a very long story short, the Werewolves have a very good idea of how utterly powerful this spirit is, and are resolved to research it more in hopes that we can rid it. I was thrilled. We had expected to kill one another; rather, we formed a loose alliance, listened to each other, and are now able to help one another. I hope that our group remains open-minded like this. I have noticed in other Kindred that close-mindedness tends to occur, and I have to wonder if they would have formed this positive relationship? Regardless, I very much hope that our attitudes towards the unknown remain peaceful and hopeful.

Details of the Dancers

mhwilleke@gmail.com (Marian) — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 13:52:00 +0000

As with any new social circle, it is important to determine the sources of power either through influence, money, or both. Darius was kind enough to introduce me to the heads of covenants after the introductions to the Prince was complete. I have to say that I am upset now. I had a very big shock with the realization that confession to a mortal (Father Pete) will be next to impossible. I had not thought it through really, and unfortunately I have been so caught up with the new world I'm in that I haven't been to confession since the transition. The way I was informed was difficult to take...Solomon Birch, the head of the Lancea Sanctum is apparantly a sanctimonious bastard who takes pleasure in suggesting that only the members of his little cult can be absolved. Worse, while Darius basically confirmed to not worry about ever confessing to Birch, he suggested that I should probably shift my confessions to a Lancea priest or a "Confessor" within our own Order. I can't expect him to understand, but my experiences with Father Pete took the dull, ritualistic religion and made it into something vibrant. I don't think these dead guys walking around will do that for me. I need a live person to tell me that God still loves me...now, more than ever. I hear Darius' warning about telling the absolute truth to a mortal and take it very seriously; however, my soul is now in even more precarious condition now. I can't confess to somebody I don't believe in...and I definitely don't believe these creatures, despite the fact I am one, can have the right to absolve or ability to comfort me. It is something that I must consider long and hard - after all, Father Pete is already special in the area of the supernatural.

The other heads of convenants were much kinder than the leering Birch. I really liked the head of Carthians, Walt Barowski. He seemed much more in touch with reality and the current world, not the ancient times of Merlin and King Arthur. I liked him enough to realise I could go Carthian except for my overwhelming interest in the secrets of the Dragons that will help me remove this Vampiric nature, or, at least tone the "needs" down to something more controllable.

Lastly, and I save Rowen for last, is...Rowen. A seemingly sweet older lady of whom I naively thought was encouraging, I have discovered that she has two sides. I'm sure we all have multiple faces, but her face turns on a dime. She was very kind, saying the following:

"You are the one who woke the spirit of music. Ethan will work to protect it. Help him. It will do you much good. Personally, and for your Order."

Is that not more than slightly mystical? It didn't exactly clarify anything, but is rather obviously a statement to clarify. So, like a normal individual who has a grain of curiosity, I asked her the following questions:

"One night I was giving a public performance and I literally felt a spirit around me, guiding my fingers. It was like a ghost, but more than that...after that, playing in that location has given me clarity of playing that I've never felt...do you know what that was or what happened?"

Her reaction? She walked off on me. I was shocked, then infuriated. I may be new to this circle, but does that call for this level of treatment? Naturally, I followed her, thinking perhaps she didn't hear me, and she was approaching Liz and Juno anyway, so I felt comfortable talking in front of them. Her reaction?

She whirled around and stared at me, cutting me off in mid sentence. "I have spoken my peace to you, Dragon" she said loudly. "I have limited time and much to do, and will speak no more of this now." Her face turned to Darius and said, "See to your childe, Mecham. Unless you'd prefer I offer up the discipline?"

Bitch.

Darius told me to just be patient and wait for a better time. Apparantly that "better" time is an elusive slot in her very busy schedule that is not accessible. That makes it rather difficult to "wait for a better time". Unusual of her or not (according to Darius, very unusual of her to act in such a manner), there's no reason to treat people like that.

Now I'm curious what offering up the discipline is. I was tempted to ask her.

Same dance. Different music.

mhwilleke@gmail.com (Marian) — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 19:07:00 +0000

After such a horrible experience a couple weeks ago watching the soul literally being sucked out of somebody, I was prepared for Court to be a completely traumatising event. During these past two weeks I have been able to get the nightmare a softer grey in my mind rather than the horror in blood at the surfance constantly. Honestly, I never want it to go completely away. I can't forget, or I might become the same. It's been difficult already to balance my feeding to keep my personal promise to not take more than a human should have to endure, and to make it as pleasurable as I can for them, but I'm getting more of the hang of it...especially with Darius' help. I'm still annoyed with his and the other vampire's decision to bring us all into their fold; I think there was a better way out for us, but we're here and he is a great support for me. At least he didn't leave me hanging.

Anyway, I'm learning that knowing who you are and politics are essential to getting along in this new society, so I asked Darius to help me get some concerts strictly to the vampiric society. If I want the same sort of status that I had in the other world, I have to probably start over. He helped. OH MY GOD, how he helped! I played at the Discarded Image, the owner of which coordinates the Court. Dear Darius talked to her after my playing in her establishment and got me a slot at Court.

I was so nervous. I was very focused on my slot, and until that was done, I didn't really notice anything specifically, although I felt myself being pulled in various directions and faces pointed out to me. I mentally filed them for another time. My piece, carefully chosen for the mood of vampires that attend this sort of thing, was a smashing success, impressing even the Prince. I was on Cloud 9 the whole time! It wasn't until that was over that I began to make the circles and introductions with Darius. That was when I realised...this society is the same sort of song and dance that I've gone through in my previous society; it just has a slightly different tune. The same nice smile and eyes that say, "what have you got that I can use against you if necessary". The people that were trying to climb the social ladder and the people that were sitting on top enjoying watching the efforts of the others attempting to reach them. I really found it amusing, but I realise that this dance is much much longer, so I must watch my step more carefully here.

Responsibility

mhwilleke@gmail.com (Marian) — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 19:28:00 +0000

I mentioned the need for responsibility in my previous entry; however, I have discovered the ultimate responsibility. I feel that I must either maintain control or terminate myself. Extreme? If you witnessed the horror of last night, you would not find it extreme. If anything, my threat to Hank that I would sit in the car until the sun rose, for my last sunrise, was almost made good. If my other friends had not arrived, I easily may have done just that.

To see anybody, whether you know or are close to them, lose control to that level, destroyed another life, regardless of the evil or good that life represented, was ... the worst nightmare. I am told that it is called "frenzy" and that I will do it eventually, but I am also told Zardos went too far for even a frenzy. Despite my hatred for feeding, and the fact that I will not feed excessively at any one sitting, I learned a painful lesson how important it is to maintain the intake. Apparantly, starving makes frenzy worse. I have spoken to Darius and he is encouraging me in the fact that I can learn to control myself, but I still am very scared. Terrified.

The Damned: A Member

mhwilleke@gmail.com (Marian) — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 18:11:00 +0000

I am dodging the lynchpin of this whole insanity. I mysteriously refer to the damned and being damned, but the horror of this situation keeps me in partial denial of my new form. I can't possibly stay in denial due to the requirements of maintaining my new form, but it's easy to try and forget as I record my experiences.

Essentially, Darius not only took my heart, but my life. It could be poetically rendered as the "kiss of the death". It was a damned good kiss though. The best ever, in fact. However, the kiss was my ultimate cross into what our pop culture would refer to as vampires, although I'm much more willing to adopt the word "kindred" or "brethren". It sounds better. But no, I can't see myself in mirrors (difficult for makeup) or look upon another ray of sun (talk about taking something for granted). Yes, I do have to eat...and you know what I mean by that. The horror of it is too much to transcribe into words. I would rather not appear beast-like in my first few entries, although my ex-student Ethan has taken great pains to encrypt this for me. I will say that Darius is teaching me well a more socially acceptable way to stay alive, although I do not think I will ever get used to it. I will also never accept it as normal.

It is my determination to remember the responsibility that I have to not hurt those of whom I depend for continued existence (I can't really say life). So far I'm learning that it takes enormous amounts of self-control, as it is one of the most fantastic experiences ever discovered, but the truth is never far away...I need his or her lifeblood for that experience and personal existence. How can I justify my existence if I take another's away? I remember even giving blood to the bloodbank, and how weakened I was for a day. I have to maintain that memory and feeling. I am sure that trials will come my way to test my determination on this matter, but it is currently one of the few things holding my feet to the ground.

Darius

mhwilleke@gmail.com (Marian) — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 15:46:00 +0000

Darius Meecham took my heart the second I saw him. Initially I saw him as an amazing artist and talent, as I heard him during practice at the symphony, but it quickly turned into something deeper. All these years of staying busy has made romance difficult at best, and at this point life seems to have become a rut. Darius, however, changed all of that in a matter a weeks...even days. I am ashamed to say that I was distracted away from some of the urgent issues that my friends needed to address either out of self-preservation or the safety of others. At that point, and still, it was discovered that there was a huge problem with the campus where most of us work. To make a very long and intricate storey short, a group of people much like us got in too deep with some supernatural phenomena, and literally were trapped onto the campus. Leaving always involved an accident or something mysterious to prevent that person from leaving. They had decided to read from a book (almost like a spell) only it brought to life something seemingly evil and sentient. Anyway, this problem that we were investigating suddenly took backseat. I don't think I blame Darius for his involvement of our curse; quite honestly, if I have to be cursed, I would want to go out with him. I do very much blame our curiosity and assumption of invincibility of our little Ghostbusters group. I can't blame any one person as I was as crazy about saving the world as anybody else; however, it is this that brought the attention of the wrong group of ...the damned... to us. Personally, I think that Darius could have just suggested moving to New York instead damning me as well, but as I said, if fate took me to this place, he's a good start.

The Cost

mhwilleke@gmail.com (Marian) — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 22:59:00 +0000

My need for rebellion did find a passion within myself that I never knew existed. It is something that I cannot describe, except that I feel like I come into one mentally, emotionally and physically. It's a state of complete calm and exhilaration at the same time. This could be termed priceless - worth anything. I would agree, except now I have a better picture of the world as a whole. Humans are not alone. There is a general acceptance by different religious factions and mythologists that there is an underworld and a peaceful world that has involved themselves with us, intermingling and affecting us. I speak, of course, the general acceptance of good and evil, and it's effect on us. However, I now realise there more derivatives than just good and evil, angels and demons. Laugh at me, but there are wizards, vampires, creatures of evil, creatures of good, and werewolves.

Why do I realise this? How do I know this? Part of my exciting double life meant meeting some wonderful friends. It is an amazing set of friends that on the whole would not stick together for lasting friendship. Professors, bartender, students, bouncer, officer...does this sound like a group that would congeal together easily? No and no and another no. There are too many different cutural expectations and backgrounds, but our experiences together transcends all cultural differences and has thrown us together into a storeybook novel.

The great cost that I mentioned earlier was for my friends and me to go a few steps too far into trouble with this new understanding of the world, and now we are an integral part of that world...not just as our old human selves, but for better or for worse, as creatures of the night. We have brought attention to ourselves from a mighty curse, and now are cursed ourselves.

The Beginning

mhwilleke@gmail.com (Marian) — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 00:52:00 +0000

It's a normal life storey for any typical musical artist. Many years of education, experience, travel, and finally, teaching. Perhaps it was the normalcy of it all that drove me to something different, even dangerous. Little did I know the danger of embarking on a journey to experience a different genre of music. Not because I was so highly attracted to jazz and blues; rather, to do something unexpected. It took many long nights to better understand blues, then jazz. I finally had to realize that I must love it to play it. So I loved it. But I had to embrace it feel it. So I embraced it...finally. The cost, was high. Very very high.