Personal Loss

Something is terribly wrong. I recently performed at the Chicago Symphony to a thrilled and highly responsive audience. Wouldn't that make me happy? Of course, I was thrilled for such a strong positive reaction. The problem was that the performance wasn't that good. I can feel my own work, my own passion coming out, my own performance, and judge it for myself. It was average at best. Initially, my reaction was that perhaps the crowd was complimenting the symphony because they did do a fine job as well, but it was clearly directed at me as my return to bow produced a standing ovation. I am extremely bothered by my own performance, and feel a sense of loss. Something that I always clung to was my music. I am anxious to go to the B.L.U.E.S. and see if I am simply out of practice classically, or losing my touch in every musical respect.

To make matters exceptionally worse, I provided box seats for several friends, so obviously the performance was to be spectacular. Not only was it not spectacular, but they were extremely impressed. It makes me grit my teeth in frustration that they may think that performance was excellent. I must focus more on my music, and not get so overly distracted as I have in these recent days. Music is something that I can have forever, and I will not let that be lost to me.