Responsibility

I mentioned the need for responsibility in my previous entry; however, I have discovered the ultimate responsibility. I feel that I must either maintain control or terminate myself. Extreme? If you witnessed the horror of last night, you would not find it extreme. If anything, my threat to Hank that I would sit in the car until the sun rose, for my last sunrise, was almost made good. If my other friends had not arrived, I easily may have done just that.

To see anybody, whether you know or are close to them, lose control to that level, destroyed another life, regardless of the evil or good that life represented, was ... the worst nightmare. I am told that it is called "frenzy" and that I will do it eventually, but I am also told Zardos went too far for even a frenzy. Despite my hatred for feeding, and the fact that I will not feed excessively at any one sitting, I learned a painful lesson how important it is to maintain the intake. Apparantly, starving makes frenzy worse. I have spoken to Darius and he is encouraging me in the fact that I can learn to control myself, but I still am very scared. Terrified.